OK so I've calmed down a bit now, I might just delete my previous post but right now :) (If I do it was just me venting, massively about people not understanding how the structure of hospitals work and the fact that I'm a HCA, so I'm not friends with any doctors.

I'm still feeling horribly stressed out of course, god only knows what I'm going to do about a few problems. The biggest problem is that I feel as if I'm just not coping with anything anymore, and even the smallest/silliest thing just freaks me out.

I give up, I just give up. I can't do this anymore I under so much god stress at the moment it isn't funny! I was asked the stupidest damn question today. NO I am NOT friends with any of the doctors at the hospital, I work at a real damn hospital NOT one from TV! I am only a heath care assistant - doctors have almost nothing to do with us!! They talk to the nurses of course, but really only solicalise with other doctors! Yes some of the doctors work just on one ward, but *I* don't. I work in what ever damn ward they need me.

I have been there long enough I either friends with on friendly terms with a number of the other HCAs, as I keep working with the same ones ones on a regular bases. And, of course, I TALK to them A LOT. I almost never talk to the doctors.

There I was thinking I was getting better :P I went to work  yesterday afternoon and starting feeling like s**t again a couple of hours into my shift. When means I'm going to be stuck off work until the end of this week at least.

I was just incredibly pleased I wasn't doing one of my co-workers watchs yesterday, as I would have gone off my nut if I'd been her! (A watch is a shift when you're looking after, usually only, one or two people on the ward one-on-one. Occasionally you'll end looking after 3 or 4 people in the one room, if they individually only need a small amount of help, and basically you don't leave their room unless you're taking your patient/one of your patients somewhere). Anyway, I was doing a watch looking after 2 elderly men who were fine mentally but had various physical problems, who needed a watch because they both tried to take themselves to the bathroom without asking for help and had had falls....

There was a teenage girl with her own one-on-one watch in one of the other beds in the room, as she's OD on some medication earlier in the day and they were treating her as an attempted suicide. This is going to sound bad, but damn she was annoying! She spent the whole afternoon/evening demanding things, demanding that the staff buy her things - things like soft drinks/chips from the machines just outside the ward -, saying how much she hated being there and how much she hated the staff, and absolutely refusing to cooperate with her her watch and RN in any way shape or form! By the end of the shift her RN was getting incredibly annoyed with her, the RN was perfectly polite and professional but it was blindly obvious the patient was annoying her. (Besides in what universe does someone over 18 years old think it's acceptable for them to demand that complete strangers spend their own money on junk food for them??)

I started a new course of medication on Friday and it seems to be working, with minimal side effects! Which means I'm feeling a lot better now :) I should be working tonight hopefully, (I haven't been called up yet but I'll know one way or the other in the next hour barring someone else calling in sick at the last minute...).

Hopefully I'll be more in the mood for reading, now that I'm actually starting to feel human again. The amount I've been able to read at a time dropped significantly a couple of weeks - I used to be able to read an average length book in 4-5 days max, depending on how many shifts I was doing and I ended up with any 12 hour shifts rather than my usual 8.(I'm not that fond of 12 hour shifts, 7am to 7pm shifts are fine and if they're during the weekend - paid at time and a half - they're well worth doing. But the 7pm to 7am shifts are a killer, as I almost never get much, if any, sleep before them - I usually manage to get at least 3-5 hours worth of sleep before 11pm to 7am shifts which makes all the difference).

I managed to get most of 2 weeks worth of food yesterday, and put a lot of the non-vege fresh stuff in the freezer of course. It's actually nice to have a decent amount of food in the house for a change, and there's a local fruits & vege shop where I'll be able to get stuff as needed.

From the looks of things, I'll be stuck at home for the next couple of days hopefully getting better. With a little luck I'll pretty much be back to at least 80-90% by Sunday, so I can go back to work on Monday.

I've been reading through some of the discussions on Reddit about people begging for money there, I'm not surprised people are upset about them or just assume a lot of the posts are just people trying to scam money. This post popped up a couple after someone else was asking for help paying rent here, claiming that he/she got $944 in donations via Paypal. (Knowing Reddit there's a good chance he/she did get that amount of money!).

I can't help feeling I'd be knocked back very quickly if I requested any help from Reddit. Which is a pity as even one or two additional people using my Amazon links on a regular bases would make the world of difference to me financially. (Most of the people who use my Amazon links are people I know in real life, with a couple of expectations, who understand that I really am sick a lot of the time and any extra money usually makes the difference between being able to pay off bills/rent or not.

No I don't have any extras, I get free Internet via my brother, I don't have cable or pay TV of any sort, I have a pre-paid cell phone I'm careful not to use much, and I'm careful where I buy my food - go for specials and buying fruit & veges from fruit/vege shops rather than at the supermarket. Plus I know where the food banks are, for months I simply can't afford to buy food at all.

I'm currently very happy, mainly because I was able to pay my rent this morning and I'll be able to have a really good/large shop up at the supermarket later on today! (It's a bit sad though being so happy simply because I have enough money to cover my rent and food though, as I'm usually broke enough I'm seriously stressed out about just surviving).

I've just finished reading Watchmen, (I'm still working my way through Drood). I was surprised to find a copy of Watchmen at the local library and I got it out it despite having already read it. It's one of the things I fully intend to buy a copy of as soon as I've managed to stablise my fincial situation as I like re-reading it on a regular bases...

I defintly have a cold on top of the chest infection, which sucks big time. (I've had the chest infection off and on for about 4/5 weeks now, and I've only just started to feel 'coldy' I guess I'd put it, so I'm assuming they're 2 different illness :( ).

Amazon.com link - Watchmen

Amazon.co.uk link - Watchmen

Amazon.ca link - Watchmen

It feels like I'm starting to get a cold now, on top of the chest infection/cough of course, I'm feeling incredibly worn out and have zero energy right now. Obviously I'm stuck at home sick, though I did manage to go to the supermarket this morning, luckily I had enough money to cover a few basic things that'll last me until I get paid on Thursday. And I'm actually get paid on Thursday, as I was well enough to do 3 shifts last week and a half day training course which I'll be getting paid for luckily! Unfortunately, I ran out of sick leave last month so actually having a pay packet due this week is going to be a life saver.

The training course was just a 4 hour one on "Patient Handling", which means we went over how to safely move patients depending on their level of mobility. How to get a patient who had fallen, up off the floor, plus making sure everyone knows how to use the Hospital's equipment correctly, (things like hoists, these plastic boards we use to move patients from one bed to another, stuff like that). It's one of the courses we have to re-do each and every year, it's not too bad I'm at the point experience wise it's easy money and I only really learn anything new if they have a new hoist or something to show us. (Even with a new hoist there won't be much difference between it and older ones though).

Unfortunately, a number of items have showed up as returned in my Amazon.co.uk account, meaning the amount of referral fees I've earned has been going backwards. (The referral fees are from people click on one of my Amazon.co.uk links and then adding something to their cart within 24hours and buying it). This is freaking me out a little, as I'm 100% dependant on the referral fees for my basic financial survival - I can't work normal 40 hour weeks due to illness, and without the Amazon.com/.co.uk/.ca money to say I'd be f***ed is putting it mildly.